


you're a shooting star i see

by pikasoos



Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-26
Updated: 2015-02-26
Packaged: 2018-03-15 06:58:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3437831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pikasoos/pseuds/pikasoos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Maybe home is nothing but two arms holding you tight when you’re at your worst." Myungsoo’s spiraling downwards. Sunggyu hopes he’s not too late to save him. Mentions of Self-harm. Written for the Infinite Secret Santa 2014 on livejournal and cross-posted here.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you're a shooting star i see

It comes out on a variety show, the topic being Looks vs. Talent. Myungsoo hears the others being complimented about their charms, their talents, and he’s not ungrateful, he loves Inspirits and he’s thankful for everything they’ve done for him, for Infinite. But sometimes he would like to hear about things not relating to his appearance. 

 

Of course, a sunbae then speaks up about not being complimented for his looks at all. It flusters Myungsoo, makes him realize that he sounds full of himself so he bows his head, apologizing and it makes everyone laugh. He goes along with it, his own voice grating his ears from the sheer force of trying. 

 

He arrives back at the dorm hours later, exhausted and his eyes burning from lack of sleep. The others are here as well, watching television and he would normally feel relaxed and join them but he doesn’t, not tonight. Instead he heads for his shared room with Sungjong, peeling off tight jeans and shedding his sweater before reaching for his pajamas. It’s been a long day, and Myungsoo really just wants to curl up in bed, or maybe against someone’s side and doze. 

 

The night’s schedule drifts back to him, his own words flitting through his mind as he stares at the mirror. He knows he’s good-looking, has had it said to him more than enough times that he’d like. But sometimes he wonders what kind of person, what kind of idol he would be if he had had a different face. Or even if he would be an idol at all. 

 

He reaches out to touch the mirror, trying to wipe away the fog as he scrutinizes his own reflection, wondering how it would look with a scar running down his cheek, or a stitch above his eyebrow or even a scab on his forehead. His eyes quickly fall on one of the razors left near the sink, maybe he could—

 

No. He shakes those thoughts out of his head, backing away from the mirror for a bit. He’s never thought of harming himself before, making himself ugly on purpose. That would be completely selfish. 

 

But Myungsoo doesn’t stop thinking about it, not even as he steps out of the shower and joins the others in the living room to curl up against Dongwoo-hyung’s side. He’s quiet for most of the night, spacing out more than normal but he covers it up with a laugh, burrowing into his space between Dongwoo and Sungyeol. 

 

He notices Sunggyu studying him, expression a little confused and he looks away, trying not to catch his eye. He doesn’t want to see the intense look in his hyung’s eyes, because somehow Sunggyu knows a lot more about Myungsoo than he would care to admit, and he knows that Sunggyu might ask him about the things he had said earlier and it terrifies him, the fact that the uglier parts of him are surfacing and he doesn’t want Sunggyu hyung of all people to see them. 

 

He’s scared that Sunggyu will be disgusted and it’s a risk that he isn’t willing to take. At all. 

 

 

 

Myungsoo is handsome, Sunggyu admits, with a face that others envy and scream over; eyes that give away too many things, sculpted nose, soft lips and a dimple whenever he smiles. It used to make Sunggyu feel inferior, having to fight to stay on as a trainee looking like.. himself while this kid could just stand there and still be accepted. In fact, Sunggyu thought that the younger would do just that.. back when they were still trainees living in a cramped house. It takes him a few months to realize that this kid was out to prove him wrong. 

 

He’s the one who gives Sunggyu the least trouble. Sure, he gets into trouble when he fights with Sungyeol, and that bit where he sneaks out to take pictures or spends money on a round piece of glass, but generally, Myungsoo hardly gives him trouble. He’s polite and takes age roles seriously, which is something Sunggyu wishes his other dongsaengs would do instead of sassing him and teasing him as an old man. Myungsoo may not be the best dancer or the best actor, but he works hard to achieve things, wants to make sure he deserves everything he has. 

 

It’s easy for him to develop this soft spot for their visual, and Sunggyu is surprised with how natural it is. Ruffling the younger’s hair after a job well done at practice, hugging him, letting Myungsoo cling to him whenever Sungyeol isn’t around. He’s proud of how far Myungsoo has come, and through the years that surge of affection for the younger.. it’s still there, and it’s stayed until he wakes up one day and realizes that he’s in love with Myungsoo. It’s slightly unsettling, because not only is Myungsoo his bandmate, but he’s a boy.. and Sunggyu is straight. He’s sure he is. 

 

But Myungsoo is something else altogether, and Sunggyu can’t really deny that he does feel things wherever their visual is concerned. Quite intensely, in fact. 

 

The front door opens and closes, and Myungsoo trudges inside, face still... his face, but clearly exhausted, Sunggyu calling out his name. “We saw the live stream. You were good.” 

 

“Thanks.” He barely hears him mumble, slipping off his shoes as Sungyeol comes out of the bathroom, toweling his hair. The visual heads straight for his room, prompting Sunggyu to exchange a look with Woohyun. Myungsoo normally goes straight to the couch to do his koala routine with either Sungyeol or Sungjong, the poor soul complaining about him not having showered yet. Then hours later when everyone’s off to bed, Sunggyu will help the younger to the bathroom and see him off to bed, sometimes staying the night, Myungsoo’s back pressed to his chest as they sleep. 

 

Myungsoo comes out a few minutes later, already dressed in his pajamas before he heads over to the couch to sit between Sungyeol and Dongwoo. Sunggyu’s confused about the visual’s current behavior, especially when said visual avoids looking back at him. 

 

What’s going on? 

 

 

 

The first time Myungsoo tries anything is during a music show, their dressing room empty as Sungjong is with Lovelyz while Sungyeol with A-Pink. He’s looking at himself in the mirror, face slathered with bb cream and caked in make-up. But even those don’t help in concealing the dark circles around his eyes, hands shaking as he holds the small blade he had hidden in his backpack. 

 

He knows he can’t leave it in such an obvious place like his face, knows that what he’s doing is stupid, foolish, he can get caught and did he mention stupid? So he settles for his wrists, which could easily be hidden under long sleeved-shirts under the excuse of the winter. The skin of his wrists, unmarked and blemish-free. The thought of something marring that makes him curious, makes him question whether this would diminish the fact that he’s merely a pretty face. Not when he has scars. 

 

He brings the blade closer to his wrist, hand shaking slightly. Almost there... 

 

“Myungsoo-hyung, come on. We’re all going to get meat—what are you doing?” Sungjong’s eyes have narrowed into slits, taking in Myungsoo’s expression, hands behind his back. 

 

“N-nothing..” He tries to say, making sure that the drawer is closed. “Yeah,.. let’s go get meat.” Sungjong’s gaze on him does not waver, and Myungsoo feels like he’s being vivisected, all his insecurities and thoughts being held up for everyone to see after being cut up. It’s maddening. 

 

The silence between the two is interrupted by Sungyeol, who eyes them both oddly before dragging Myungsoo by the shoulder. “Didn’t you hear him, dumbass? Come on before we eat your share.” 

 

And so Myungsoo relaxes, leaning against his best friend who then complains about Myungsoo putting all his weight on him. He tries to ignore the fact that the blade is still in the drawer and his hand slightly stings. 

 

It’s only when they’re in the car when Sungyeol sees the cuts on Myungsoo’s hand, half eyebrows furrowing. “What happened to your hand?” Myungsoo’s not that good at faking things, he knows that, but he’s terrified that they’ll know, so he tries to wrack his brains for anything plausible. 

 

In the end Myungsoo just looks away, trying to ignore them as they prod him for answers. He can’t tell them, he’s scared. Terrified of losing any of them when he starts talking about what’s on his mind. 

 

That he’s fine with this, wants to be beastly and ugly and feral. Maybe then everyone would notice something else besides his face, his face that seems to be the only thing that everyone cares about. 

 

So he keeps quiet. 

 

 

It escalates from there, cutting chunks off of his own hair, pressing the razor a little too hard as he shaves. The blood makes him look less pretty, and he’s okay with it, a sigh of relief escaping his lips when he finally takes a look at himself in the mirror, legs covered with scars and his hair cut with blunt scissors so that he looks quite awkward now. 

 

 

 

It goes on for a few more weeks, and Sunggyu is ashamed of himself for not picking up on it sooner, in between Infinite F promotions and preparations for his own solo comeback, along with individual and group schedules. He barely sees the maknae line, so Sungjong and Sungyeol’s stories about Myungsoo’s behavior only reach him somewhere near the end of the year. Myungsoo’s always been the one who’s given him the least trouble, but this.. He doesn’t know what goes on in Myungsoo’s head half the time, but he’s his leader, and.. something. He has to do something. 

 

So he does. 

 

It’s after one of the year-end festivals, and they’re all exhausted, so Sunggyu’s lying down on Myungsoo’s bed and hugging his bamboo pillow, groaning at how exhausted he feels. Myungsoo doesn’t know that he’s in his room, is still in the bathroom actually while the others are all asleep (He had switched with Sungjong, who had given him a long look before agreeing.). 

 

But right now the younger is taking too long and it’s making him nervous and nobody takes an hour to wash their faces—so he gets up, wrenching the door to the bathroom. “Myungsoo, I—“

 

Myungsoo looks like a deer trapped in headlights as he holds the scissors up to his hair, hands shaking, patches of hair in the sink and scars lining his wrists, his thighs, any part that the visual hardly showed. “Myungsoo..” The visual shakes his head, a sob escaping his lips as the scissors snip away another chunk of hair. Sunggyu rushes forward to wrestle the sharp object away, but it’s a difficult struggle, and it takes all of Sunggyu’s strength to wrench the scissors out of Myungsoo’s grip and drag him to the shower. Cold water spurts from the shower head, drenching them both. 

 

Sunggyu holds onto Myungsoo, the younger sobbing as he clings much too tightly. He can hardly make out the words Myungsoo is trying to say, so he just keeps his arms around him, lips pressed against his forehead. Myungsoo has no idea what to do, he feels trapped and it’s too cramped, and he feels so disgusted with himself for being like this—for being such a disappointment—he just wants to cry, but Sunggyu gets him out of the shower after awhile, wiping him off before helping him into his pajamas (and getting dressed into something dry himself). 

 

It’s only when they’re both already in bed, with Myungsoo’s head tucked under Sunggyu’s chin that the elder finally speaks, “Myungsoo.. I..” at the same time the other says, “Hyung, I—“ And Sunggyu lets him go first, his fingers stroking the soft, slightly uneven locks. 

 

“I’m sorry.. for disappointing you.. and.. this..” 

 

“Contrary to popular belief, I didn’t fall in love with this for his face.” Sunggyu says wryly, and Myungsoo pulls away from him, eyes widening comically. “I—you? Me?” 

 

“I’m in love with him because he’s a weird kid who obsesses too much over the color black and kimchi jjigae, plus he makes these derpy expressions and he’s not too fussed about coasting on his looks. His looks, yeah, they’re beautiful, but he’d still be an amazing person without them. He’s also loyal to a fault, and thinks only of what’s best for Infinite, his family. He may not be the best at singing... or dancing.. but he works hard to make sure he deserve everything he gets. He’s like a human koala, and he likes to touch and cling onto people, and he worries that he may be too much, even if he isn’t. For someone who’s the eldest in his family, you can’t help but want to take care of him because he’s so.. kind and nice, sometimes naive. Stubborn, too. It’s difficult to get him to give up once he sets his mind on something and it’s just.. he’s really something.” 

 

Myungsoo doesn’t reply, but his eyes are shining in that ridiculously adorable way that has Sunggyu leaning in to press his lips against the other’s forehead again. It’s only a few hours later, when Sunggyu’s almost drifting off to sleep when a soft voice pipes up, “You’re really something too, hyung.” 

 

 

 

They’re at a radio schedule months later, and Myungsoo’s been asked a question about his appearance. It’s protocol really, since he’s the visual and everyone has to go with the main talking points, which is why he’s surprised when Sunggyu speaks up. “Ey, what are we, chopped liver?”, which makes everyone in the studio laugh before Sunggyu opens his mouth again. “But seriously, our L has improved a lot since debut. I’m proud to have him as my member.” 

 

Sungyeol then says something about the new father-son pair, which makes everyone laugh again, but Sunggyu sneaks a look at Myungsoo, whose eyes are shining again as he smiles at him. It makes him feel way too giddy and he resists the urge to press Myungsoo against a wall and kiss him breathless. 

 

It’s only later when they’re back in the dorms, lying on Sunggyu’s bed, legs tangled together as they watch something on one of their laptops that Myungsoo finally says something about earlier, “You’re so obvious.” 

 

“What?” 

 

“The others might think I’m your favorite.” Myungsoo reaches up to poke the elder’s cheek. 

 

“Last time I checked, you were.” Sunggyu wraps an arm around the younger’s waist, Myungsoo nodding before speaking again. “Then as your favorite, you should kiss me for being good today.” 

 

“I could do more than kiss though—“ Myungsoo manages to shut him up, and unsurprisingly, Sunggyu is more than okay with it.


End file.
